The Three Little Pigs in Star Warsese
by Tahl Jedi Paradox
Summary: RANDOMNESS ALERT! Short story...the last chapter has been added. Do read...& review. MWAHAHAHAAA!
1. The First Chapter

OK, here we go.

Disclaimer: anything that noticeably does not belong to me is the property of someone else, not me.

I think that pretty much covers it.

****

A New Story Concerning Stuff That Has To Do With Inside Jokes And Really Long Story Titles Made By The Narrator To Confuse People Like the Readers

Whew.

Having said that, now I'll get on with the story.

Once upon a time, there were three little Pigs. No, they were not blind, nor did they have in possession a magic lamp or poisonous apples.

They lived in a Hutt in the country with their mommy, who was really cool but unfortunately had to take permanent Mommy Leave for some unknown reason.

The first little Pig was named Obi-Kin Pig. Don't ask. Some people have really odd last names.

The second little Pig was named Tarkin Pig, though he insisted upon being called Grand Moff Tarkin Pig for some unknown reason.

The third little Pig was named Anakin Pig. 

As you might have noticed (or not), all three Pigs had the suffix –kin on their given names. 

Anyway, since their mommy was on permanent Mommy Leave, the three little Pigs had to go out into the world to fend for themselves. After saying good-bye numerous times, they parted ways to find a good place to build a Hutt.

The first little Pig, Obi-Kin, decided he wanted to make a house out of straw. As a young Pig, he had always wanted to make playhouses out of straw, but his mommy didn't let him because everyone else had hayfever. So he jumped at the opportunity. 

He went out looking for a straw vendor. 

Amazingly, he found one. He walked up to it in disbelief. It stood out bright and shiny in the middle of the pasture.

The friendly yellow sticker read, Insert Coin Here Please.

So that's what Obi-Kin did. He fingered his coin, then put it in.

And just like magic, out of the little place at the bottom popped 152763 bales of straw.

He sneezed, then remembered that he didn't have hayfever and gathered up the bales to make a Hutt.

Little Tarkin was not faring as well. Twig vending machines were rather difficult to find these days; they had been hunted nearly to extinction.

He held out a coin and called softly, "Heeerreeee twiggy twiggy twiggy, heeeeeree twiggy twiggy."

Amazingly, he found one. He walked up to it in disbelief. It stood out bright and shiny in the middle of the pasture. 

The friendly yellow sticker read, Insert Coin Here Please.

So that's what Tarkin did. He fingered the coin, then put it in.

And just like magic, out of the little place at the bottom pooped…I mean popped…152763 bales of twigs.

He sneezed, then remembered that twigs didn't induce hayfever and gathered up his twigs to make a Hutt.

Anakin was still looking for a brick vendor. They were quite common, but rather shy due to over-use. He walked softly and amazingly, he found one. He walked up to it in disbelief. It stood out bright and shiny in the middle of the pasture.

The friendly yellow sticker read, Insert Coin Here Please.

So that's what Anakin did. He fingered the coin, then put it in.

And just like magic, out of the little place at the bottom pooped…aw, come on…popped…152763 bales (bales?) of bricks.

He sneezed, then cursed at the bricks for spontaneously inducing hayfever, and gathered up the bricks to make a Hutt.

Please do not be frightened by my strangeness. It wears off quite suddenly, you know.


	2. The Last Chapter

This is a rather short story, as they go, so this would be the last chapter.

(sob)

But perhaps I shall mess up some other fairy tales once I find the time and motivation…

***

Now, in the woods close by lived a trio of evil people seldom seen at Elvis look-alike contests. Their names were Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, and Count Dooku. 

Today, Palpy was mad at Dooku because he kept tripping on his cape, Vader was mad at Palpy because Palpy kept singing off-key, and Dooku was mad at Vader because Vader kept calling him Pooky.

Dooku tripped on Palpy's cape again. "Oops, sorry."

"STOPPIT!!!!!!!!" shrieked Palpy. "EVERY TIME I GET OUT OF THE CHAIR TO GET MORE COFFEE YOU STEP ON MY CAPE!!!!! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!"

"Aw, Master," said Vader sympathetically, "why do you always get so mad at Pooky?"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT," thundered Dooku. "MY NAME'S NOT DOOKY!!!"

"That's right," said Vader, "it's not Dooky, it's Pooky, isn't it, Pooky?"

"Lalalala, I'm not listeniiiiiiing," sang Palpy, horribly tone-deaf-like.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! STOP SINGING!!!!!!!" howled Vader.

And so their morning went. Palpy broke into a blood-curdling rendition of "Tomorrow" from the musical "Annie", Vader kept howling like a dog on crack (who knows?), and Dooku kept getting mad and tripping on stuff.

Then the hullabaloo died down and they decided to plot.

"MWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" they laughed evilly like a group of evil people, then got down to business.

So, back to Obi-Kin. He had finished building his straw Hutt and was sitting inside, watching America's Most Wanted, when his doorbell rang.

"Oh, Little Kin, Little Kin, let us in," said the evil voice, not really sure if he was rhyming or not.

Obi-Kin perked up. He had rehearsed and put on this very play in Grade Four. So he responded properly, "Not by the hair on my Kinny Kin Kin."

There was grumbling outside the door.

"Now what do we do?" whispered the voice that had called to him.

"I don't know. Check the script," hissed the voice that decidedly belonged to the one with the loud breathing.

There was a cut-off yell and another voice. "Dooku! Will you stop stepping on my cape?!?!!"

"Yeesh. Sor_ry_." The one presumably called Dooku ruffled through what sounded like a stack of papers.

"Is it really that long?" whispered the Loud Breathing Guy.

"No, see, this one's Sleeping Alderaanian Beauty, and this one's Cinderpadmé, and this one's Little Red Riding Hutt."

"Oh."

"Have you found it yet?" said Cranky Cape Man.

"No," said Presumably Dooku. "Wait…here it is! No, actually, that's the Three Blind Ewoks. We're looking for the Three Little _Pigs_. Ah, here we are. OK, is everyone ready?"

"Yup."

"Whatever."

Presumably Dooku took a deeeeeeeep breath. "THEN I'LL HUFF, AND I'LL POOF—"

"It's not poof, it's puff, you idiot," Cranky Cape Man cut in.

"Fine. AND I'LL PUFF, AND I'LL BLOWWW YOUR HUTT DOWN!!!!!"

"Oh, crap," said Obi-Kin, and hurriedly got into his storm cellar, which happened to be a cardboard box above ground.

Dooku exhaled violently and the straw blew away into a fluctuating cloud of fluctuating straw.

"Yay!" exclaimed Palpy, and sang, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, it's onlyyyyyyyy a daaaayyyyy aaaaawayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!"

Vader dug a hole in the ground and stuck his head in it, looking like a Gothic ostrich.

Dooku looked and looked and tossed around cardboard boxes, but he just couldn't find that Obi-Kin Pig.

Then suddenly, Obi-Kin lit out for the hill, running as fast as his legs could carry him, carrying his TV along with him. It was still blaring about an escaped convict from San Antonio.

Dooku and Palpy chased after him, leaving Vader struggling to get his head out of the ground.

Obi-Kin soon made it to Tarkin's little twig Hutt. 

"Hey, Obi-Kin, wassup?" greeted Tarkin.

Obi-Kin put the TV down. "A few evil people destroyed my Hutt. Can I stay with you? It says in the script that I have to."

"Oh, OK," said Tarkin.

The two of them set Obi-Kin's TV back up and settled down to watch Invader Zim.

Then they heard heavy footsteps approaching, and two voices.

"The evil people," whispered Obi-Kin. "It's Cranky Cape Man and Presumably Dooku."

Tarkin nodded and they stayed quiet.

"Are you sure this is the place? I've got a blister," complained Palpy.

"Yeah, well, that's what you get for butchering a classic," Dooku shot back.

"Bite me. Hey, have you got the script?"

"Yeah."

"Check it this time before messing it up, you imbecile. I don't want to lose another Pig."

"Fine," grumbled Dooku, still wondering how Obi-Kin had managed to build a Hutt that fast.

Inside the Hutt, Obi-Kin and Tarkin exchanged worried glances.

Vader came puffing and wheezing and hacking up the trail. Then he adjusted his respiratory dial and his breathing went back to normal. "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"

The other two shrugged. Dooku accidentally tripped on Palpy's cape.

Palpy's face reddened. "EEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! GET OFF MY CAPE!!!!!!!!!! OFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFF!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!! OFF!!!!"

Dooku mumbled and got off. "Oh, sheet. I dropped the scripts."

The three Sith got to their knees to look for the right script.

Obi-Kin and Tarkin peeked out the window and sniggered.

The three Sith started grumbling curses at the Pigs, then Vader picked up a stack of papers that were still stapled together. "Is this it?"

Dooku snatched it away from him and skimmed over the first page. He threw the script back at Vader. "No, that's Goldilocks and the Three Wampas. Keep looking."

Palpy eventually found it and Dooku resumed his position. "Oh, little Kin, little Kin, uh, please, um, let me in."

Vader rolled his eyes under his mask and whispered to Palpy, "Why did we get someone who's not even at a Grade Two reading level?"

Dooku didn't hear this and waited impatiently for a response.

Tarkin cleared his throat and answered, "Not by the hair on my Kinny Kin Kin!"

Dooku lost his place and found it again after a bit of trouble. "Uh, then, uh, I'm gonna huff, and I'm gonna poof—"

"It's 'puff', you idiot," interrupted Palpy.

"And I'm gonna puff, and I'm, uh, gonna blow your, uh, Hutt down." Dooku inhaled sharply and blew at the Hutt.

It quivered for a moment, then collapsed in a heap of twigs. Obi-Kin and Tarkin took off as fast as they could.

Dooku blinked and rubbed his eyes. "Hey, wait. There's two of them now."

Palpy rolled his eyes and tripped him. "Duh. Didn't you read the script?"

"Well, yeah, but—"

Vader shoved him. "C'mon, we can't give them time to build another Hutt. Let's go!"

The three evil people arrived, panting heavily, at a brick Hutt.

Dooku, who had had the worst of it, collapsed in dismay. "It's too late. They built a brick one!"

Palpy stared at the Hutt in confusion. "How'd they do that so fast?"

Inside the Hutt, Obi-Kin and Tarkin were plugging in the TV, and Anakin was making them some popcorn. Obi-Kin flipped it to the Sci-Fi channel, where they were playing some obscure movie called Star Wars.

Then, at the noise that the three evil people made in arriving, all three Pigs went to look out the window.

"Agh," groaned Dooku, gaining the title of Monsieur Obvious. "_Three_ Pigs."

"We noticed," said Palpy, who was annoyed. He wanted to trip Dooku, but Dooku was already on the ground. So he tripped Vader.

__

Thud.

Vader groaned and Palpy stopped being annoyed. "Have you got the script, Dooku?"

Dooku decided to be mysterious and pulled his script out of a nearby gopher hole.

Anakin, annoyed that there was a gopher hole on his lawn, went outside (ignoring the fact that there were three villains on his lawn as well bent on killing him in some gruesome fashion), stuck the garden hose in it, and cranked it on. Then he went back inside.

Gophers started pouring out by the millions.

Once they stopped, Dooku turned to Palpy. "Wait! I'm still a great magician! Your robe is black!"

(A/N: reference: Kung Pow. Possibly the stupidest movie ever made. I almost died. Laughing, that is.)

Palpy blinked, then stared down at his robe and started cackling. "Do it again! Do it again!"

Dooku held up the script. "Back to business." He pointed at Vader. "Black clothes."

Vader gaped at him. "You've got to teach me that one."

Dooku looked for his page.

An hour later, he found it, woke up Palpy and Vader, and began reading. "Okay. Uh…little Kin, little Kin, uh, let me in."

Anakin Pig took out a megaphone, connected it with the garden hose, and stuck it out the chimney. All three little Pigs yelled into the new contraption, "NOT BY THE HAIR ON OUR KINNY KIN KINS!!!!!!!!!!"

Dooku squinted at the page. "Uh, then I'll, um, huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your Hutt to the ground."

"Oh, come on," Palpy roared. "Do it with more enthusiasm! Or I'll throw you to the Teletubbies," he added.

Dooku was sufficiently motivated. "THEN I'LL…uh…HUFF AND PUFF AND…uh… I'LL BLLLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWWW YOUR HUTT TO THE GROUND!!!!!!!!!"

"When Pigs fly," Obi-Kin yelled out the window.

Dooku's eyes widened and he stood in a quandary. To make matters worse, Lindo and Chelsegorn suddenly appeared out of nowhere and began chanting, "Eloquent, e**lo**quent, **elo**quent, 'ello, quint!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" he screamed, his brain overloading, and fainted.

Palpy gave Vader a shove. "You do it." 

"Awww." Vader sullenly stepped forward, and cranked up his respiratory dial.

The Hutt shuddered under the great strain of the imposing gale that Vader was creating, but stood solid.

Vader passed out.

Palpy blinked, then took out a drinking straw from his pocket and grinned wickedly. "NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWERS OF THE STRAW!!!!" he yelled malevolently, and blew through the straw.

The Hutt shuddered, groaned, and collapsed.

"But that isn't supposed to happen," cried Anakin.

The pile of rubble righted itself and was a Hutt once more, because it's supposed to be that way, _apparently._

Palpy scowled and started kicking Dooku and Vader.

They woke up groggily. "Huh? What?"

"Wakey-wakey. We have to climb down the chimney."

"Ooh, can I be Santa Claus?" asked Vader.

Palpy kicked him again. "No, you fool, we're going to get those three little Pigs or Kins or whatever they are and teach them not to mess with us evil people because that's what evil people do in stories like these. Got it?"

They sat up. Dooku pulled a ladder out of a gopher hole. "Will this help?"

"Yeeeeeeesssss." Palpy cackled, then turned to Vader and yelled, "Why can't you be helpful like Dooku here?"

Vader pouted. "But I'm magic, too."

"No, you aren't," said Dooku. He pointed at a passing civilian who was dressed in blue. "Blue clothes."

Palpy cackled. "Sheet, you're good."

Vader pointed at a passing civilian dressed in red. "Red clothes."

Palpy rolled his eyes. "He was already dressed in red, cheater."

"Yeah." Dooku stuck out his tongue.

Vader sighed, took up the ladder, put it on the side of the Hutt, and began climbing up. The other two followed him.

Obi-Kin, Tarkin, and Anakin listened to this, then decided they had to put something at the bottom of the chimney.

Obi-Kin got a bright idea. "Let's call 1-800-CALL-TO-KNOW-WHAT-TO-PUT-AT-THE-BOTTOM-OF-YOUR-CHIMNEY-IF-YOU'RE-IN-TROUBLE. They'll know what to do."

The others agreed and they called 1-800-CALL-TO-KNOW-WHAT-TO-PUT-AT-THE-BOTTOM-OF-YOUR-CHIMNEY-IF-YOU'RE-IN-TROUBLE. The people at the end of the line were very helpful and suggested putting a random portal at the bottom of the chimney. So that's what the three Pigs did.

One by one the evil people fell into the portal. First Vader, then Palpy, then Dooku.

Obi-Kin, Tarkin, and Anakin high-fived each other, then put away the portal, and finished eating the popcorn while watching Star Wars. They lived happily ever after, except for a few things like getting their Hutt repossessed by the IRS because they owed over a million in backtaxes. But that's another story.

****

THE END

Oh, you want to know what happened to Palpy, Vader, and Dooku. Well…that's another story…

Mwahahaha.

****

THE ACTUAL END, UNLIKE THE END PRIOR TO THIS END WHICH WAS NOT AN "END" IN THE TRUEST SENSE, AND THEREFORE SOMEWHAT MISLEADING.


End file.
